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The Onion

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Daily Affirmation: I Am Light09/26/22
HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too09/26/22
Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops09/26/22
Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak09/26/22
Most Glaring Times Trump's Children Have Broken The Law09/26/22
Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things09/26/22
U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases09/26/22
Luka Doncic Spends Offseason Adding New Complaints To Repertoire09/26/22
Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards09/26/22
Crowd At Poetry Reading Really Digging The Short Ones09/26/22
England Exits Somber Mourning Period To Resume Joyless Normalcy09/26/22
Week In Review: September 25, 202209/25/22
Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections09/23/22
U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia09/23/22
GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage09/23/22
Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations09/23/22
The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion09/23/22
NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird09/23/22
Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead09/23/22
Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion09/23/22